Most of you don’t know, and others likely don’t remember, that my middle name is Reinhold. That was my maternal Grandfather’s name, who died way too young, when my mom was still a small child. Although there was a time when I was embarrassed by it, I now rather enjoy having what at least in this country is a fairly rare name. I use this more German sounding name whenever I write about sex, as it lends a certain level of otherwise totally unearned distinction to my work. Freud, whose given first name was Larry, also went with his more distinguished sounding middle name, Sigmund.(1)
Author’s note: This being a more scientific paper, will be footnoted as above, and all footnotes will be found (for what they’re worth) at the end of the post.
It’s said that politics, religion and sex are things one ought to stay away from if one doesn’t want to lose friends. Politics and religion are pretty boring, so I avoid those on that basis alone. But losing friends isn’t really a big concern of mine, and sex is fun, so I’ve decided to tackle that one. Besides, sex is everywhere. We’ve got a new blue bird pair building a nest in the house in the back. In the front I installed a new blue bird house, made completely to spec, so naturally there’s a pair of chickadees building a nest in there. And kids, ach du lieber, (2) this place is running wild with them, with new babies showing up all the time. It kind of makes you wonder doesn’t it? I mean, where do they all come from? (3)
Remember when you were a kid and you started hearing the rumors. There was the vague baloney you heard from your parents and then the mixture of rumor, misinformation and partial truths from your trusted friends, none of whom had any real experience. As I grew a bit older (I think I was about 30) and found out how it all worked, I was truely grossed-out. Could MY parents really be doing that? NO WAY! Isn’t it funny how none of us really want to believe that our parents have sex. This, even though we are the physical proof that they did? For this reason, like Mr. Rogers used to say, I’m going to ask that the Idiotic Son, Andrew, stop reading and bring his mom into the room for the rest of this.
I make a pretty good pie. Now, don’t let me lose you, because I’m still talking about sex. I’m not just bragging, lots of people really do like my pies and have said as much. The Princess is in this group. I had a free afternoon a couple of weeks back. Noting that the freezer was empty of frozen pie slices, I thought I’d make an apple pie. One can do a lot of things with a free afternoon, and I didn’t want to waste any of it. It takes me exactly an hour to make the pie and get it into the oven. I thought, what a coincidence, that’s just the amount of lead time I need. (4) I left the kitchen immediately to go seek out The Princess. Conveniently, I found her already lying on her bed. Not to worry, she was fully clothed. I said, “Hey, do you have any sex-u-al problems?” That’s the way the Brits say it, but it’s also code for…(5)
I went on to explain that I was about to start a pie, which would take about an hour, but then I’d pop it in the oven for a little over an hour, and that would be well, “free time.” Even though she was multi-tasking at the time (reading and watching TV) I immediately had her attention. Before The Princess could respond I remembered that I would NOT have an hour. An apple pie bakes at 415 degrees for 30 minutes, but then the oven must be turned down to 350 for the remaining time in the oven. Rats! I said, “Look it, I forgot about having to turn the oven down, so it’s possible we could be crimped for time.”
This is the point at which The Princess had a decision to make. She could have said, “Hey, forget about that stupid ol’ pie, ‘cus now you’ve got me interested.” But instead, and I mean there was just no hesitation AT ALL, she said, “Oh, we’ve got plenty of time for that another day, you just go ahead and make that pie.” So, I could have felt pretty bad you know, that The Princess in essence chose pie over me, but then well, it is pretty dang good pie!
1. This footnote is added to lend credence to a statement without any basis in fact.
2. German explanation loosely translated as “holy crap!”
3. Watch a few episodes of All Creatures Great and Small on Netflix. All will be made clear to you.
4. It is a known fact that it takes certain pharmaceuticals about this amount of time to become, um, effective.
5. Are you kidding? I’m not going give that away.
Andrew, you can come back in the room now. And to everyone else, thanks for not leaving when he did. Have a great week!
Oh, sorry not too have brought you up to date on the Pony. I’ve put in quite a few hours in the past two weeks degreasing and painting parts. Evidence of that work in the next post. Auf wiedersehen!